Casual glance
by heggyy
Summary: Am I really that weird? Luna's struggling. Will someone help her?


**2: Imagine Dragons – Demons**

 **3: Burst**

 **12: Dawn**

I let my blonde curls cascade over my face, hiding the hot tears that are threatening to spill, despite the freezing morning. Professor Hagrid is talking, but I can't hear what he's saying; white noise fills my ears and I want to scream and shout and try and stop the inputs. Stop the inputs by making outputs. Could it work? I can't try because around me is a swirl of movement, and I feel my feet following them. I blink through the gold smudge of my hair and see Professor Hagrid holding out some creature. Everyone gathers close, and I hear squeals of delight, but they're so far away.

I step closer, pretending to be excited. Anything to look normal. Professor Hagrid's asking questions, but the sounds aren't being put together in my mind. Suddenly everyone's moving again and I want to scream at them to stay still, but instead I watch as they partner off, going to trays that Professor Hagrid has set up on the grass. I wait for someone to come over, the person left when everyone else has found a partner, but nobody comes. I glance around and see Ernie MacMillan has joined another pair, leaving me standing alone, my arms hugging myself. I see Professor Hagrid coming over, so I turn and walk towards a tray, crouching over it so nobody can see my face.

Suddenly I realise I have no idea what we're doing. I look around. Do I care? I try and tell myself I do. Care of Magical Creatures has always been my favourite subject. So why do I feel like I'm swimming deep under the sea, the waves crashing and churning above me? I feel the ground vibrating and the pattern of the grass changing slightly. I hear someone's voice above me, and I know Professor Hagrid's standing there, but my head feels so heavy I can't look up. With my last ounce of strength I force myself to stand up. My mouth moves but no words come out. Instead I just turn and walk back to the castle. I can feel eyes boring into my back, but I don't turn back, just concentrating on getting to the castle. I slip through the massive wooden door and into the cool Entrance Hall. There's nobody about, but I can't be seen, so I slip up one of the side staircases until I reach the Ravenclaw Tower. The eagle knocker opens its beak. "You can see nothing else, when you look in my face, I will look in your eye and I will never lie. What am I?"

I just stare at it. My mind is sluggish and the thought of unpicking what it just said is too much. I sink down onto the cold hard floor and press my face against the cool stone. I close my eyes and finally the world stops spinning. The eagle is talking, asking me if I'm alright, but I ignore it. My only friend is not going to be an eagle.

I hear footsteps on the stairs, and echoes of laughter and snippets of conversation bouncing up the tower. A few minutes later the voices are connected with people and I see the third years hurrying up the steps. I stand up and steady myself as they bounce towards the door. Classes must be over. They'll be coming back from Care of Magical Creatures soon. The eagle repeats its question, and this time a girl answers.

"Your reflection."

The door swings open and the third years stream through, giving me odd looks. Even the first year Ravenclaws can answer the questions; that's how we stop other houses from coming into our common room.

The common room is mainly empty, and most of the third years head straight for the dormitory, leaving me alone with some sixth years, who are have a free period. They've spread out over the tables, their scraps of parchments and books open, though they're talking freely and their quills have been discarded. Nobody looks up or smiles at me, or asks why I'm here so early. I know I look a mess; my pale complexion reflecting my exhaustion and my eyes bloodshot and red. I cross the room and a few of them watch me warily. I'm Loony Lovegood, the crazy girl who can't be trusted. I don't look back, but I run the last few steps to the common room, out of their sight.

My bed is neatly made, but I get back into it and pull the curtains shut, finally feeling safe. The emerald green velvet is thick and the small space warms up quickly. I pick up the book I was reading late into last night. I leaf through a few pages, but it can't hold my attention. I push back the edge of a curtain and reach into my trunk, leafing through the piles of Quibbler editions and funny things Daddy gave me to keep me safe. I pull out the small giraffe I've had since I was two and hug it close. It smells of home. I curl up on the bed, not bothering to take my robes or shoes off, and breathe in the sweet scent.

Suddenly the door bursts open and I can hear the quiet talk of Cho and Marietta Edgecombe. They must have noticed my curtains drawn shut, but they don't say anything. I can imagine them making faces and rolling their eyes where I can't see them, bored of my weird behaviour. There's some rustling and then the door bangs shut and they leave. I realise I was holding my breath, and I take shallow gasps, trying to stop the overwhelming feeling of rejection. Cho was usually alright; she would be my partner in Herbology if Marietta wasn't there, and sometimes I sat with her at lunch. But obviously I was too weird. Maybe there was something wrong with me?

The bell goes and I imagine everyone scurrying to their next lesson. I'm meant to have Astronomy, but nobody will notice if I'm not there. I don't have a best friend to sit next to, or a clique of girls who will observe my absence. I can picture Professor Sinistra with her droning voice and dull diagrams, and I feel a small sense of satisfaction. I'm here, and there's nothing anybody can do about it.

I must have fallen asleep, because when I wake up my eyes are crusty with salt and my hair is crumpled to my face. I get up slowly and look at myself in the mirror. I comb my soft curls out and brush the loose hairs off my cheek. My stomach is rumbling; I couldn't face breakfast this morning, instead lurking in the library until time for the first lesson. I go slowly to the Grand Hall. It's packed, and the buzz of chatter is so loud I'm scared the churning will come back. But I stare at my feet and walk over to the Ravenclaw table, which is on the far side of the Hall. I glance up. Harry is in deep conversation with Hermione and Ron, none of whom notice me as I walk past. Ginny has her back to me, putting potatoes onto her plate. Neville is nowhere to be seen. Nobody on the Hufflepuff table acknowledges me, and when I finally get to the Ravenclaw table, I end up sitting at the end with some first years – none of the fifth years budging up to accommodate me. They prattle on about their homework and Herbology and whether a second year will ask them out. I stare at my plate as they giggle and gossip and plan midnight feasts and trips to Hogsmeade. Did I ever have friends like this? Who I met up with out of school? Did I have someone to confide my secrets in? Before Hogwarts Daddy homeschooled me, taking me on nature rambles at dawn and teaching me the names of the incredible creatures' right on our doorsteps. We were the only wizarding family in the village – apart from the Weasleys, who lived on the other side of the hills – so I didn't really talk to the local children. And when I came to Hogwarts people soon marked me out as crazy, avoiding me in the corridor and in lessons. What did I do wrong?

I stand up and push the bench away with a loud screech. The first years look up, alarmed. Then they see it's me and go back to their conversation, rolling their eyes and shaking their heads. I walk past the tables of people chatting and laughing and having a good time. I'm sure they're watching me, marking me out as different.

My feet walk for me, and soon my legs are carrying me up to the astronomy tower. The narrow spiral staircase is gloomy and dark, but cool, and the crashing has finally stopped. My legs burn and my lungs scream at me to stop as I push up, but I ignore them.

Suddenly a figure silhouetted against the light from the top stops me. It's Cho, the last straggler from Astronomy.

"Luna?" She calls out, her soft voice echoing against the stone.

I shrink back. She's no different to the others.

"Are you alright?" She says, taking a step closer.

I want to push her away. I'm not alright.

She takes a step closer and I want to scream at her not to get close. I'm a bomb, just waiting to explode. And I can't take her with me.

I push past her, sprinting up the stairs, my robes and hair flying out behind me. I hear her calling me, but I ignore her, letting the rush of wind dry the tears that are falling freely from my face.

Suddenly the gloom breaks out into bright sunlight and I'm at the top of the tower. I want to laugh. How ironic; the weather is so beautiful yet everywhere I look all I can see is a storm. I walk to the edge of the tower. The grass is so green down there. It looks so inviting. I push my foot on to a ledge. The wind whips my hair and I feel so free. All I need to do is jump and then I'll be flying. And finally it will all end.

My mind fights with itself. No one will miss me. Nobody cares. Demons are fighting inside of me and I just want it to stop. I stand up a little higher. I imagine my muscles pushing for the last time, getting me over the tiny ledge that stops me from flying.

"Luna?" A soft voice suddenly calls out from behind me. A voice I recognise. Without moving I turn my head to see Neville standing there, his palm outstretched. "I was just coming to look for you." He says softly. "I wanted your opinion on a Mandrake in Greenhouse 3. Professor Sprout let me in there specially."

My mind doesn't resist to why he was looking for me, and why he hadn't found me. Or why he was looking for me in the first place; I know very little about Herbology.

"Can you come and look now?" Neville says his voice comfortably soft, like the cottage pie Daddy used to make. "I really need your help."

I look back out over the grounds. My flushed cheeks are cooled by the strong breeze, and my robes flutter and whip around my legs.

"Harry wants to meet in the library." Neville continues. "He didn't say what about, but he told me and Hermione, Ron, Cho, Ginny, Fred, George, Angelina, Katie..." he tails off. "And there's still some chocolate pudding left from lunch. If we walk quickly we can get there. And don't forget there's the Ravenclaw against Slytherin match later. You can't miss that."

My mind kicks into action and I realise he's trying to tell me what I would miss if I jumped. But what about who would miss me?

"Professor Flitwick says you got full marks in the charms test. And I saw Hagrid this morning and he wanted to know if you're alright. Said he couldn't have his star student missing from his lessons."

I lean forwards a little, and then rock a little more.

"Just step over here. One step towards me and then we can go and find everyone and talk about the Hogsmeade trip next week. They've got some new chocolate frog cards in Honeydukes."  
I turn slightly towards Neville. His plump face is smiling sadly back at me. He's wearing his favourite maroon knitted jersey, and his hands are dirty from the Herbology labs. How could I leave him behind?

I take a step off the narrow ledge and my legs collapse. Neville grabs me just in time and pulls me onto my feet. We're standing so close. I can feel tears on my cheeks from the shock of what just happened, but my heart is beating faster than usual and it's not because of the height. Neville gently wipes away a tear.

"You're safe now Luna." He says softly. I close my eyes and let myself be hugged.

Maybe I do fit. Just not where I had thought.


End file.
